Please do not think I am trying to pretend that I have not been the cause of awkward moments, because I have. I am gifted in producing mindless chatter in an effort to avoid awkward moments of silence, therefore, creating more awkward statements/moments than what would have existed in the lulls of conversation.
So without further delay, I give you "Things That I Deem Awkward" in no particular order:
- Maternity photos that display both mom-to-be and dad-to-be shirtless. People: this is an epidemic!!! I see these photos everywhere and it's horribly awkward. If you say you've never seen it then you are in denial. I promise that you have a friend, relative or co-worker that has a photo, like the above, sans the dog, framed and hanging (proudly) in their home. I barely understand why the woman feels the need to bare all but the dad???? Come on! It's wrong and creepy. We don't need to think about how your pregnancy came to be. I have also seen many a photo of naked newborns being cradled by a shirtless father. Again I ask you, WHY? Let's keep those pictures rated PG.
- Unity Candles at weddings. It isn't the candle so much, rather the wedding guests' forced obligation to observe the bride and groom stare lovingly into each other's eyes. Normally during this part in the ceremony a wedding singer performs as the couple lights the candle. The candle lighting itself takes a few seconds but the song lasts, roughly, about two minutes. Once the candle is ablaze what does the couple have to do? Stare into each other's eyes and maybe engage in a few whispers. To some this may be romantic. Me? Uncomfortable. I've never been a fan of gazing into the eyes of the one I love, however. If you ever see Beau and I engaging in what appears to be loving stares, there is one of two things happening. One: We are in a fight and giving the other (understood) disguised dirty looks as a reminder that a truce is far from reach. Or two: We are reading each other's mind and making fun of something.
- The all-too-chatty checker. I always manage to get in the grocery lane inhabited by a checker who is all too willing to share their life story in the amount of time it takes to scan and bag my groceries. When I ask, "how are you?" I am not mentally prepared to hear the story about your ex whom refuses to move out of your trailer.
- Men in Victoria's Secret. Listen buddy, I'm here to redeem my coupon for free underwear, not to side step you, preventing a collision as you walk backwards since you're as lost as a rat in a maze. I guess it's really not the men I should be mad at but the women who invite them there. It may sound fun in theory but as soon as he steps foot in that store, it is clear he does not belong.
- The waiting room at the doctor's office. I hate how all the chairs are turned facing each other leaving you no other choice but to look at everyone in the waiting room. It's so uncomfortable sitting there knowing that the lady across from me is thinking to herself, "I wonder what she's got and is it contagious?" Why do I know that's what she is thinking? Because I'm thinking the exact thing about her and no edition of "Family Circle" or "Ladies' Home Journal" will deter those thoughts.
- When the (not that old) sales lady at Sephora tells you her name is Doris and you respond with, "Awww! I love the name Doris because that was my grandma's name."........................................ *Crickets Chirping*.............................. Trust me, it was awkward. As if the silence wasn't enough, the face she gave me was horrible.
I will try to add to this list as more awkward moments arise. I'm sure that most of it will come at my expense.
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